"Yeah, but it's a great pool but..."

I think one of the best things about making a long list of new years resolutions, is that they can be broken. Well, OK so I have crumbled already. On the way home from the pub last night I had a piece of chicken. I couldn't help it.

I didn't smoke however, which I claiming as a small victory.

You see, I am absolutely resolute that this year, I will be healthier, shed some weight, and look after my back. Smoking really isn't in this happy little house on the prairie scenario.

So I'm also swimming again too, which is great. I'm really enjoying it again, and I may even compete again this year. Ooh Ryan has alerted me to a meet in Vienna in February, which could be fun, but I'm not sure I'll be ready by then.

However, going to the Queen Mother pool this week, I was quite shocked to discover at the counter that the price had risen to £4.55 for a casual swim. For those of you in Australia, that translates to over $10 to swim in an indoor 25m pool. I mean, WHAT?

When I shreaked "WHAT?" at being asked to hand over this small fortune, this voice from behind the other end of the counter said in a thick Aus accent "yeah, but its a great pool but.."

Honey, first, I didn't ask you. Second, you and I BOTH know it ain't a great pool, but, so FUCK OFF.

Someone at work this week was grizzling that England isn't good at any sport.

Hm. I wonder why.

Pool etiquette

My life can often be compared to any of those mad trippy little Doctor Seuss books. Most of the time I'm the Grinch. Somedays, if Im feeling a little snappy, I'm a bit like 'Fox in Sox". if I've had too much to drink its "Green eggs and Ham" or if I'm feeling a little frisky, try "There's a Wocket in my Pocket!"

However, right now I can be best described as "The cat in the hat" or rather, "The fat in the Back". I recall some blogs back, that I vowed never to end up like Gil Gerard with his pendulous, hanging gardens of back fat. Well, I'm a little embarrassed to say that my desire to not end up like this is failing. Readers, I'm more than halfway down the proverbial Crispy Creme, Chicken Cottage super shute that only Kristie, Britney and Oprah have ever made it home alive from!!!!!!!!! If I continue down this super highway of gluttony, I may end up like the Mother on "What's eating Gilbert Grape" and fall through the floor from my bed onto the TV room of my neighbours in the middle of their saturday afternoon football match (at least they'd offer me a beer...)


What makes this even more tedious than explaining to children that it's dangerous to hold firecrackers whilst they go off, is the fact that my back has fracked up on me again. I swear, I shouldn't have watched the Exorcist - directors cut the other night whilst doing sit ups and really believing that the problem had gone away for ever. Smug little me, I opened up a little window in my soul and in climbed that demon. It's wreaking havok with my bed.


So today, off I go to the pewel to do a few little lappies, you know, loosen up the glutonus maxxxximus, unlock the terror that my lower lumbar has sadly begun to lay a setting at dinner for. Hard enough undressing in public when you can't take off your socks. Worse when you're in a cold miserable English Lido (public pool).

Now the Queen Mother, bless her, is the best of a bad bunch of pools around London. Most pools can be characterised by a sorry clientele of pasty, flabby, middle aged "peoples wot cant add" type. And today weren't no exception.

Growing up in Australia, where swimming pools are more common than soap stars in London Christmas panto, the good fit folk know how to swim, and especially know how to behave whilst they're doing it. This, take note dear English, is called POOL ETIQUETTE, and (stops to put a little Dolly on the gramophone) it goes a little sump'n like this:

POOL ETIQUETTE 101 FOR DUMMIES (most of the people in my pool)

1. Swim in a lane that befits your speed and stroke. The "fast and furious" lane, strangely enough, isn't for slow retarded breaststroking or kickboarding.

2. Swim in an anticlockwise, (or clockwise) direction around the lane, as illustrated on the lane board at the end of the lane when you jump in. If you are indeed of the special variety of human, or you are just a bit dim, then ask for assistance before you launch into your recreation of the sinking of the Titanic.

3. When you get to the end of a lane and there are 12 people right behind you because you're swimming like a Dugong, stop and let these people pass. A tap on the foot doesn't mean "would you like to go for a shag in the loos with no lubricant?"

More on that later.

Anyhoo, from today onwards, I'm going to declare my consumption for all to see. It's going to be the only way I know how to diet. Through shame and humiliation. Thanks for the tips, Bridgit.

Diet day one:

Coffee
Coffee
Ham and eggs Bloomer from Pret
Apple
Pasta with prawn sauce (creme based) YUM - thanks Fiona!
Low fat lemon Mousse dessert.
Lots of water
A vodka and Orangina with dinner - Classy.

America's nect top Model is on now, who will Tyra cut from the contest tonight?
xx

Travel Diary Montreal - Chapter 2. Esther Williams - eat yo heart out darl!

I recall sitting in my living room at the merry old age of 19 watching Hayley Lewis win gold in Auckland at the 1990 Commonwealth games. I thought to myself, one day I'm going to meet her and tell her what an inspiration she is, as i got off the couch, put my cigarette out, put my beer down and went and had a nap. It was a few years later, whilst doing laps, that I remembered what an inspiration she actually was to me.



This is me getting ready for my 200m Individual Medley for which I got DQ'd (and thats not a reference to Dairy Queen).

OK so I never got to meet Hayley, but I did get to spend a few nice hours with Nicole Livingstone at a dinner, and meet Shane Gould at a party once, and heck I've now swum in 2 gay games (well one gay games and one outgames). All of these things have been awesome. And the cherry on top of all of this was getting to spend a week with my Glamourhead Sharks friends at the outgames in Montreal. So many of them were inspirational, especially in the outsplash, but mostly by their spectacular performances in the pool.



This is me and Deb, gold gold gold. What a little gold digger she turned out to be...

Anyway, I did manage to do 3 PB's at the games. I did a 27.88 for the 50 free, a PB in the 50 back, after 10 minutes sleep from the night before and a PB in the 200 free in a relay in 2.25.something. So Im pretty chuffed, and now have 4 bronze medals hanging in my kitchen.



I also made some really nice friends poolside, a cute guy from Manchester, and a sweet man from Montreal. Its a week at the pool I wont forget in a hurry.



Then came the OUTSPLASH! competition. This was undoubtably the highlight of the swim meet (well there was one other thing that I think I enjoyed more, but me mum might be reading this). Guess what my role was


check out

http://results.montreal2006.org/resultats_en.aspx?lang=_en

And you thought 1000 gays and lesbians in a pool was enough. Darl, its never enough.

mrs pussy
xx

Travel Diary Montreal - Chapter 1. Let the games commence!

Righto, hi everyone, Sorry about Mrs Pussy, she does go on. She's become rather hyperactive since we changed her food, the curtins are also hanging rather splendidly, so she's about to go on a big diet.

We had the most fantastic time in Canada. Apart from the incredible friendliness of the local boys ..ahem.... the city had really put on the most amazing show for the some 12000 visitors attending both the games and the human rights conference. On top of that, there was also the "DiversCite" festival and gay pride. It was just mental. For a full photographic essay on the week, visit

www.dropshots.com/mrjardine

and all our holiday pics are there (well, the clean ones anyway!)



The opening ceremony was amazing. We all marshalled outside the olympic stadium in the rain, with thousands of spunky Dutch, English and Montreal athletes, drinking beer and comparing uniforms. Everyone loved our outfits, and I thought I wore the shortest shorts in the whole parade until I met this guy....




WHAT a hottie. He was in the swimming competition, but was not the nicest boy poolside by a long shot. Anyone who saw the goings on beside the Glamourheads stand would understand what im talking about. Anyhoo, as soon as we posed for this shot, it was like a papparazzi frenzy. We were both nearly torn apart by the crowds. Though I think they would have been tearing me apart to get to him...

We finally entered the stadium to thunderous applause, it was truly amazing, we danced around like idiots for a while and were treated to an amazing show of Cirque du Soleil and KD Lang, who, in her TRACKSUIT looked like she had just eaten half of Cirque du soleil. Honestly love, one too many trips to the buffet I think.






We managed to squirm our way all over the floor, just as if we were in a dance party. The array of people all rejoicing to be there was staggering, and it was really cruisy. I think my favourite boys were the Calgary Cowboys with their big Brokeback Mountain hats.

After the ceremony we headed home to get some sleep before the first day of competition. Most of the others went out partying, so wish we had done that, the skybar was really fun, however, I think we spent more than enough time there over the week. And really the saturday night was probably to most sleep I got all week.....





There are many more stories to tell and I will try to get them all on here over the coming days...

Ciao for now,

Eddy